What does Christmas mean to you? This is what it means to me.

This blog post is a little different. It will tell you a bit about me and what Christmas means to me.

Over the different chapters of my life Christmas has changed and evolved, where I spend it, whom I spend it with, the food I eat, the traditions I have made, and importantly my Christmas wish!

As a child growing up I was excited about presents under the tree and seeing my wider family, especially my Uncle, Aunt and cousins who didn't live close by. I never had the perfect Christmas that I remember as a child because myself and my brother switched from our mothers house to our fathers half way through the day which always felt unsettling. They won't realise this until now. My Christmas wish as a young child was that life could be less complicated and not always about what was under the tree although I'm sure I had a couple of those wishes too.

My Christmases changed when my big brother left home, I think I was 13. My only Christmas wish each year until I left home myself was for him to come home for a few days for Christmas. When he left he took a piece of my heart with him, that was the first time my heart broke, and that piece of my heart will always be his. I have always felt like Christmas was only perfect when he was there and I knew he was safe.

As an adult Christmas evolved and I spent it between a stressful job in the city and exhaustion. One Christmas day I wanted to stay home alone just to be alone. Interspersed with Christmas at my parents or my ex in laws which just never felt perfect because during that time I held onto an underlying sadness that something was missing from my life. And it wasn't going to be found under the Christmas tree or be delivered by Santa in a stocking. It was a hole that couldn't be filled in my heart.

Between then and now has been a journey of happiness, stress and sadness at Christmas. I have spent it in Paris, Edinburgh, Disneyland, at home and with family one year when the power was out for a week, I have spent it 9 months pregnant and also with newborn twins!

I experienced My Perfect Christmas last Christmas at the age of 32. Ben and I took our children to Disneyland Paris. We stayed close to the park in a beautiful house and gave the Christmas break to our children completely and whole heartedly. We enjoyed every moment with their happy faces enchanted by the experience. My perfect Christmas was being able to give my children their perfect Christmas with the man who had filled that hole in my heart by my side aspiring to the same hopes and dreams as my own. Okay this trip is not going to be repeated this year but I have now realised that no matter how I spend Christmas it is my families happiness and safety that mean everything to me. So let me share my Christmas wish with you for this year.....for those close to me whom I love to bring me a hug because no body but you can give me that gift!

This Christmas will be spent at home and we are hosting with my little brother back from the army and I can't wait. The children are super excited already so here's to excitement, good food and great wine, the highly anticipated toys for the children, and hopefully a lot of hugs for me! I am no longer waiting for my perfect Christmas because all them can be from now on.

Merry Christmas, I hope all your Christmas wishes come true!

See you in 2020!

Ellie xxx

Here we are in DisneyLand where life felt perfect.